What we need to know about shame

If a child has not had their early basic needs met, through abuse, neglect or trauma, they often experience toxic shame.

This feeling is often internalised as the child’s internal working model, such as ‘I am bad, I am unimportant, I am unlovable’. It is not a decision that the child has made about themselves, but the way their brain has been wired, as a result of their experiences. Children gain their sense of self from those who are around them. If they are ignored or subject to abuse, their sense of self is one of worthlessness. Guilt is to feel that you have done something bad. Shame is to feel that you are bad.

Children work hard to stay out of this feeling of shame because it is truly devastating and all consuming. Some common behaviours we see that relate to shame avoidance include lying, an inability to take responsibility and, self-sabotage. With an internal working model of being bad or worthless, we may see them have a good day, only for it to be ‘ruined’ by their behaviour. When we see a child at their most destructive or hurtful, they are acting, through survival instincts, to create emotional distance and pull away.

We often see anger as a constant visible emotion in children who have experienced abuse and neglect. Anger can act as a defence mechanism for children to avoid showing sadness. In order to be sad, children need to display their vulnerability, and this is something they may not feel safe to do, so the anger is used as a protective shell. The shell can be made up of rudeness, defiance and hostility.

Toxic Shame is a neurotic, irrational feeling of worthlessness, humiliation, self-loathing and, a paralysing feeling that has been inflicted onto an individual through repeated, traumatic experiences often, but not always, rooted in childhood.

How can we teach our children to behave respectfully without having to use control, guilt or, shame?

Structure and consistency are important to help children who have experienced trauma to feel safe and reduce anxiety.

Routine enables the child to predict important events such as when they will eat, go to sleep or, go to school. Any slight change in routine could lead to dysregulation and distress in a child who has experienced trauma. The child will therefore require a high level of information about their routine to help them feel safe. It would be beneficial to have the routine in a calendar or visual representation or for an older child/teenager, a diary or planner.

Have conversations with the child about the routine of the day and, the expectation that they will attempt to engage in each of the activities, particularly chores. Challenge the child around expectations and routines if this is required. Remind them in a concrete way, without humour, of what is expected of them or, to keep up with their routine. Be clear about the house rules and the rules for in public spaces and, consistent with boundaries and consequences.

Children should be given some choices when it comes to their routine, for example choosing a meal on one particular night. Provide a small number of options for the child to choose from when they are given choice.

Part of maintaining good structure is also the need to avoid spontaneity and surprises. What seems like a surprise to others may equate to a fear of the unknown for a child who has experienced trauma. If planning surprises, let the child know about them very close to the time. This will also lessen the opportunity for sabotage.

Children who have experienced developmental trauma often have high cortisol levels and are hardwired to respond to stress and risk very quickly.

This often appears as impulsive and risk-taking behaviour. This can also look like a child who is restless, fidgety, unable to concentrate and, sometimes as craving sugar.

To help a child remain on task, minimise distractions. Distractions may be rewarding as they help the child to avoid a feeling of unpleasantness associated with a sensory sensitivity. They may benefit from a sensory profile being completed to discover whether they are being overwhelmed easily. A sensory profile can be created by an occupational therapist to help understand what kinds of sensations are helpful for your child and what triggers an overwhelming response. Some children may be triggered by sounds and others maybe the feeling of particular clothes.

Increase the number of breaks that the child takes. Avoid having them focus on a task for longer than 15 minutes and try to increase the time between breaks over time. This could be done using a timer on a phone, or a more visual way such as a sand or water timer.

When the child does become off task, try to redirect them gently back to the task. Provide them with specific, labelled praise when they do remain on task or return to the task to complete it.

Be explicit with your instructions. Avoid telling the child what not to do. Tell or show them how to complete a task. The child may like visual cues or prompts to help him with a task. Break tasks down into simple steps. The child may not be able to attend to more than one or two step instructions.

Control is a fear-based behaviour.

Children who have experienced developmental trauma may need to feel powerful but at the same time are deeply conflicted as many of them have a profound unmet need for the adult to be in charge, safe and, nurturing. If the child is being demanding or trying to assert control, remind them that they are safe, and it is your job to care for them.

If the child demands something or adjusts their behaviour to provoke an emotional response and the parent/carer responds with that emotional response, the child will feel unsafe and the negative behaviour will increase. This in turn will increase parent/carer stress and impact on the relationship between child and parent/carer, maintaining the pattern of control.

Use wondering out loud to explore the behaviour, for example, if the child is demanding to stay home, respond by saying ‘I wonder if you are scared about going out and that is why you are telling me you want to stay home’.

Use empathic commentary to speculate the feelings around being in control (name the need), for example, ‘I can see you are trying to be the boss today. I imagine you are worried that no one else can sort this out apart from you. It must be tiring to have all that worry all the time’.

If the child is pretending not to hear you, continue on as if they have heard you. Use playfulness to change the dynamic of the interaction, such as measuring their ears or checking to see if they are working.

Try not to repeat yourself. It is likely that the child knows what you want him to do. Instead, say things such as ‘I know you can work this one out’ or ‘that’s fine, you can have a rest for a while before…’.

Think about what has immediately preceded the incident. If the child is overwhelmed with shame, they will not be able to move forwards until they are regulated, and the shame reduces.

Be clear about what you, the parent/carer, can and cannot control. It is frustrating when a child refuses to move or complete a task and we may feel that we must physically move them ourselves. Unless there is imminent danger to the child, another person or, a risk of very serious damage, do not physically move a child.

There are story books that can be used to read with children that can help them to identify with feelings around defiance and control, such as Rosie Rudey and the Very Annoying Parent (Naish and Jefferies, 2016).

Anger and aggression are another way children show us that they need to be in control, are afraid or, are feeling shame.

To help to combat aggression and anger, talk to the child about what is going on for them. Use simple explanations about brain-based fear response, for example, ‘Maybe the small, scared part of your brain is stopping the big thinking part of your brain from being calm’.

Explain to the child that one of the ways that they can help the thinking part of their brain to gain control is to run around or jump, swing, sing or dance or, use breathing techniques. Decide on something that you can do together (co-regulate).

Try not to shame children for their behaviour, once the event is over and you have spoken to them, linking their behaviour to emotions, move forward and leave the event in the past. The child will likely not be able to understand the consequences of their behaviour and it will take time and coaching before it will occur.

It is important to repair the relationship with the child after the event, to show them that you support them and that you care. Remind them that you are there for them and that you care for them. Engage in a fun activity with the child that you do together, such as going for a walk or watching a movie together. The child can often be testing to see if you have pushed them away. Fun activities are not necessarily rewards but ways of shifting pace and reconnecting.

A child who is fearful of adults, or overwhelmed with shame, is entirely unable to make the first move and will remain stuck, defensive and, sad.

Children who have experienced abuse and neglect learn that life is unpredictable and that it often makes no sense. When a child learns that life is non-sensical, then it is much harder for the more complex layers of life and existing to be comprehended and reasoned with. As children tend to act quickly on impulse, without forward planning, they often tend to suffer as a result of their own actions. Children who have experienced developmental trauma cannot project forward and think about how they may feel in the future. Because of this, a child’s brain will develop in such a way that cause and effect are not linked very well.

Children who have experienced developmental trauma may not feel remorse for their actions or provide any kind of meaningful apology. It is not useful to push a child to apologise and it is likely that the child becomes so heightened during an incident that they disassociate and do not recognise or remember what they have done. Encouraging a child to apologise when they do not recall what has occurred will only increase their shame and lead to an increase or maintenance of behaviour.

Help the child to show remorse for actions that they recognise that they have done. The child may want to put right what they have done but not know how to. For example, you might say to them, ‘I notice when you went to the toilet, you got some on the floor. Here is a cloth. Let’s clean it up together’. Follow this with positive reinforcement by offering specific, labelled praise, a high five, a hug or, a pat on the back.

Help the child to learn that they have an impact on the world and develop their cause and effect thinking by using natural consequences instead of imposed consequences. Natural consequences should be used with nurture. An example of a natural consequence is that if the child was to throw a toy at the wall, it will break and be unusable. Help to show the child that it is broken, by showing them the broken pieces and expressing concern for them being hurt. An imposed consequence would be removing all toys for a week, which would not be helpful.

It’s really important to understand that children behave in these ways because of their brain development, not because they are being manipulative, attention seeking or, naughty.

However, it’s not all bad news. Brains can be repaired. Whilst it may take time, consistent and kind parenting will help a child to form a secure attachment with their caregiver. The development of secure attachment contributes to the children’s brain development and can help to repair their ability to manage big emotions like fear, anger and, frustration, whilst increases their capacity to think and reflect.